my diary !! you found it !!

4/19/23: being an insane person is freeing

time: 2:57PM
reading: children of the self-absorbed / nina w. brown
watching: borat 2
listening: glory box / portishead

i have not written in so long! so much has happened: i went to several concerts, my 24th birthday was last sunday, i dyed part of my hair pink, i went to the local cherry blossom festival, watched a ton of movies, made into my master's program, am taking a break from school... this break has been very good for me, since i finally have time to rest and am not overworking myself like i used to. much of my time has been spent dealing with my myriad of health problems, ignoring issues and running away from myself. recently i've been busy practicing my hobbies like crochet, yoga... rather than chasing after people who do not care for me. learning to say "no" and be around individuals who actually care for me.
such is hard and lonely, but necessary. for the first time, i feel clear-headed and confident, less disgusted in myself or afraid of what others will think. it's become easier to be an active participant in my own life, going out to festivals, concerts... doing things alone, too. it feels silly that it's taking this long to become autonomous and "normal" but everyone's life runs on different times.
outside of these ~personal reflections~, i've been Doing Stuff. been obsessed with movies lately, especially horror films! i saw some movies that were on my list this year, like guillermo del toro's crimson peak. i also began collecting figurines, as well as other stuff. a lot of these things are things i wanted to do when i was little, externalizing my hobbies and having stuff that represents the things i like.
i guess that's it for now! see you later.

1/5/23: overseas looking at animals

time: 12:37PM
reading: cursed bunny (bora chung)
watching: fundie fridays
listening: kowabana christmas special!

hello!! i'm currently visiting family in the philippines and am extremely happy(?) about it. it's not as bad as i thought it would be. the plane ride, however, was a nightmare... first of all the flight was 16 hours, and we had a long redirect to hong kong due to airspace closures in my home country. it was Horrible but once the ordeal was over, it was fine!!! currently i'm spending time with my cousins who i haven't seen in three years... i miss them so much!!! it's not really that hot (or as hot as i remember) and i'm just... chewing away.
my grandma's house has a lot of random animals just puttering about. some of them have been there for a while! there's a little dog named Knight (who isn't so little anymore) that i've known since he was a puppy in 2017!!! now he's really big and friendly, he loves napping and loves pets!!! he also likes bananas though he shouldn't be eating them. there are a bunch of little cats too- they're all so friendly! i wish i could bring them home with me.

this is petra! she is so sweet, i wish i could take her home and give her a bath.
we've also been eating quite a bit. i tried the mcdonalds regional variant (meh) and ate some philippines-only menu items from jollibee!!! i missed filipino spaghetti so much... although i would somewhat regularly consume it when i was living with my last roommate- she was a great cook!
anyway, that's it for now. i updated my photography portfolio and am planning to fix up other parts of my blog s l o w l y. big things(?) are coming!!!

12/6/22: adhd, mourning, restlessness

time: 3:32PM
reading: nothing at this moment
watching: twin paranormal
listening: amor gitano / la lupe

i guess updates are monthly for my website? i haven't done much this academic semester art-wise due to mental rotting and fungus evolution. i have no real updates outside of i quit my old, unsatisfying job and started a new internship with a significantly better program that won't batter me emotionally !! incredible how life works out. i've been forgiving towards myself and attempting to mourn the person i could have become if i was diagnosed earlier in life. sometimes i still struggle with the whole laziness versus my disability mindset, trying not to hate myself for "not constantly achieving" when all my body wants is to slow down.

times are somewhat hard for me. i'm exhausted and need a lot of help, where thankfully i can get it. need to stop hating myself for asking for help but such a thing takes a lifetime to unlearn. i don't know what the point of this entry is outside of rambling. thanks for reading! hopefully i have something more interesting to say next time.

10/13/22: long time no see!

time: 5:06PM
reading: wintering / katherine may
watching: coffeehouse crime
listening: amanojaku / raon ver.

long time no see! i've been struggling with my health quite a bit recently, so i was unable to really have time for much outside of work and school. maybe this is not known, but i'm disabled and have some other health problems lately i've been wrestling with the idea that i'm not "trying hard enough" or "doing enough", but i have to learn to accept that my disability is exactly what it is- a disability. i will always struggle and i won't succeed without accomodations and comparing myself to abled people always ends in failure! everyone is different, and i need to Internalize that life isn't a competition. it's meant to just be lived the way you would like.

while i was gone, i've done quite a bit of things. i watched a ton of movies and went out to events quite a bit! i suffer from horrible anxiety on top of my disability and struggle to go out and make myself known, so this is an achievement for me. i went to a local zine festival and made a lot of progress in decorating my room!! i also got into the studying groove and am doing a lot better academically because of it. i'll also be tabling at a local event- yay! i also went to the local farmer's market at my uni and got some cool things!! here's some photos from my recent endeavors:

i'm so happy to have gone out of my comfort zone. even though i've been struggling, good things have happened too! i guess the lesson learned from these recent months is that victories can be very small, and that sadness as well as joy coexist and can happen at the same time. i hope that the recent months have been treating you all well, and that you guys have been resting + honoring your boundaries!!! please remember that it's okay to say no and it's even more okay to ask for help! love you all
8/25/22: poke, mochi donuts, dogs, and used books

time: 11:35PM
reading: the name of the rose / umberto ecco
watching: good mythical morning
listening: strangers in the night / frank sinatra

hello! my first entry i never know what to say when it comes to making pages. it's always "hello!" "welcome!", since i literally have no clue what else to put there. anything else doesn't seem right.
anyway, this week was very eventful last saturday, i went to go see the evil concert/rock opera at black cat and it was so ... Incredible... it was the first time ive been at a live show since 2018 and im so happy it was this one. i also went to a local ukrainian cafe that day and met up with a friend. admittedly i felt pretty awful that people were just no longer wearing masks- i'm disabled and immunocompromised but i still want to be able to do things safely. it's stressful that other people can't be indoors for like a short period of time with a piece of cloth(?) over their nose and mouth- it really isn't that hard but... well, the united states is not a very disabled-friendly country. other than that i had a good time. there was a used book sale and i got some books that have been sitting on my wishlist for a long time! the book i'm (about to start) reading is one of them.

after the concert!

on sunday i had a housewarming and it was wonderful. i baked a lot and cooked several things for the first time. i also had a good turnout and saw several of my good friends that day was great. i cooked a fully vegan main dish for the first time! rainbowplantlife's red lentil curry was so delicious- everyone who ate it loved it so much. the same went for my vegan matcha chocolate chip cookies and my not-so-vegan pinwheel cookies! that was the most amount of Anything that i've cooked and baked in one day. cleaning up was horrible haha

my forays into cooking! zucchini bread not mine

the rest of the week was pretty uneventful, i'm waiting to get my room cleaned of mold and repaired and spent the early half of the week twiddling my thumbs about it. on wednesday i went to eat with my old roommate and ate poke + mochi donuts! omg it was so good, i hadn't eaten out in a while since moving to my new place so this was a great thing. i'd never been to that area before and feel really jealous of the folks who got to live there. we then went to lotte market and dropped off a care package for a sick friend. today (thursday) we went to a pupuseria and i got like sooo many pupusas. that's one of my favorite food items and i love it sm!! we then went to her house and met up with her friend and their dog. i baked vegan ube sugar cookies topped with nonpareils(?) and they were such a hit! i miss spending time with my friends. as we get older it becomes harder to see them often. i wish we could all live right next to each other again.
anyway, that's all for now. see you soon!