APRIL 26, 2023
life is funny, but not in a way where i can actually laugh at it.
it feels like everything has come to a close, maddeningly circular,
disgustingly predictable. way back in 2021 i knew that
such love was not meant to be as he never saw me for who i was,
but i clung onto such a frail, nervous hope.
how stupid i was, knowing how this would all end...
i want to be angry, i want to react in a way that isn't indifference
but it just isn't possible anymore, all my emotions have run out.
he would mock me for being of a gender he never understood, of being
an existence he didn't understand, yet now
he acts as if he is "in community" with me. as if he understands,
but he never has. i want to believe that he has changed and that this is
a true, satisfying revelation that he had, but i know him a little too well...
he threw me away because i was disturbing
and obtrusive to him and his friends,
overly concerned with appearances. i have always
been too autistic, too in my own head to even care.
i know it is useless to be angry, hence my lack of it. but this is so funny,
the way life happens. what you are mocked for, eventually they become.
"I never meant to give you a talisman, an empty vessel
to flood with whatever longing, dread,
or sorrow happened to be the day's mood."
Maggie Nelson
